I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I’m like….
The ad before the video is beyond obnoxious. YouTube needs to get real, I know.
Dumb Things on the Internet
So, I was browsing pinterest looking at crafts and stuff that I can think are cool for 3.5 seconds before promptly forgetting they ever existed, and I found a pin that contained the world’s STUPIDEST ideas. The pin was captioned “food tips that make life easier,” so right off the bat I am like, stupid. Of all the things in life that are a pain in the ass, I must say FOOD ISN’T ONE OF THEM. Like, oh man cutting this sandwich in half is such a pain. No. The pin contained one long chain of photos, but here are some of my favorites:
In the top photo, REALLY who does carry out? Nobody! Unless that photo was posted for the sole purpose of appealing to pizza delivery men, pretty much nobody will find that helpful. And then the second photo. I can’t. How expensive is a REAL cookbook holder? And also, she is not reading a recipe; I am pretty sure those are like the classified ads in the Cascapades.
This one grosses me out because I picture ketchup getting on my pancakes, and it makes me want to die. It also is NOT going to save you time considering you’d have to funnel the mix into that bottle then clean the bottle out. Duh hello?
And finally, the life-saving oreo-on-a-fork trick (?). Relax, fatass. Just lick your fingers.
The VMAs without snookie is like…
…not even sure where I was going with that one.
Good evening, Friday night friends! I know I can’t be the only one out there rewatching the VMAs tonight because of their outlandishly late airtime last night. Anyone? Anyone? Nope. Okay.
Sooo, I mean I pretty much paid attention every few minutes, and here is what stood out.
Miley Cyrus just looks like a less hot version of Liam Hemsworth. Wtf.
Am I right or Am. I. Right. Barfyyyy.
Lil Wayne officially lost it. His stupid headphones. What an ass. What is he even – just – I don’t know. Whatever. Weirdo.
He did perform my new favorite song “No Worries” with rapper Two Chains 2 Chainz. I tried to illegally download the song this morning actually, and I like can’t anymore. I am onto my like tenth site trying to illegally download songs. WHAT KIND OF AMERICA DO WE LIVE IN!?!?!?!?!
2 Chainz looks like a scary gangster pimp. Like if I saw him in a dark alley, I’d run screaming – or even probably if I saw him in the grocery store.
Green Day was there. Aw Green Day. I don’t even think Dave Grohl showed up this year, and he’s been hanging on to MTV for dear life these past few years. Green Day literally just had to cancel a show because Billie Joe Armstrong lost his voice or something. Like that is the best excuse ever to skip out on the VMAs. I am sure the drummer begged them to go. He seems like such a douche.
Also, this happened. No idea who this man on the right is. Maybe I need to spend more time on YouTube.
Also, Rihanna is still performing “We Found Love” (she def performed it at the VMAs last year), she is now BFF with Katy Perry, One Direction doesn’t realize boy bands are over in the US, Dwight Howard is on the Lakers, Nicki Minaj has stupid hair, Taylor Swift is still getting dumped, and, more offensively, she still writing songs about it. The end.
AHS: Asylum
American Horror Story is coming back! But it’s going to be all kinds of different. The second installment, Asylum, is relocating, recasting, and revamping.
Jessica Lange will continue to be on the show but playing an entirely different character. In very, very terrible and related news: Tammy Taylor is no longer on the show! Nooooooooo! Creator Ryan Murphy has also traded sunny LA for chilly Massachusetts – duh who sets a horror story in Los Angeles? Obviously shit is more scary in the fall, and LA doesn’t have seasons – and he is taking the terror from a haunted house to an insane asylum. The show will largely be set in the 1960s and will be plagued with aliens, nuns, and Nazis – oh my. Sounds…… FX.
The first season was pretty decent. (So decent in fact that I just realized I never even finished it! Oops. Yeah people, that good. I’ll get around to it soon.) As with last season, the key art is dope and the timing is perfect – right before Halloween. So if nothing else, enjoy the hype and tune in for the premiere on Oct. 17. Then just forget to finish the season like I did.
Rich Kids
A few days ago, I found two random and awesome items at none other than TJ Maxx. Chocolate peanut butter cup coffee and red velvet cupcake coffee. I was like OMG yum! I sniffed the bags and could smell the sweet goodness that waited for me beyond the packaging. I don’t really understand how stores like TJ Maxx work. Like especially with the random food and drink items they have. I can’t say I’ve ever actually purchased any of that shit and usually I say like “gross I bet that expired in the 80s.” When I saw these coffees though, I concluded that I didn’t actually know if the food was all old and expired (read the date on the label? noooo); plus this isn’t food, it’s coffee and whatever. I think coffee probably lasts forever - you know, like Mayo according to my Pop-pop (haha). The thing was, they cost $7! Ugh, I began to debate: do I buy both or is that a waste of money? (You’re all like you cheap bitch! But HEY what if the coffees sucked then I had two whole bags? Yeah I know. I am a cheap bitch. But I’ve been buying a lot of clothes lately, okay. I don’t have time for frivolous purchases such as food and drink.)
So, I know you’re wondering, and YES I balled out and bought BOTH bags. Then I got home, still feeling weak with buyer’s remorse, when I came across this terrible website. RICH KIDS OF INSTAGRAM. OMG. People with this much money deserve to be robbed. Click here for a sickening compilation of photos that document how rich kids spend their time. Then wonder where things went wrong for the rest of us…
Here’s a sneak peek:
Spice World
If the closing ceremony of the Olympics taught me anything, it is that there are a lot of famous people from England, many of who I never even realized were English, and that the only way to have effective presence on a union jack shaped stage is to drive around in cars. I kind of felt like I was watching a homecoming parade, and the best part, clearly, was the return of the best thing to hail from England since like ever! The people who put the British on my map, who taught me what a platform shoe was, and who almost ruined my LIFE in 5th grade when they performed their concert sans a one Ginger Spice. Imagine my shock and horror as the Spice Girls took the stage and only four of them could be found. I don’t think I even saw the first half of the concert; I was too busy mourning the loss of my favorite member of the group. Whyyyyyyy why couldn’t it have been Sporty?!? I think I begged that question every day for a month after the show.
Anyway, when I first heard the Spice Girls were performing at the closing ceremony, I was like okay great then that’s when I’ll start watching the Olympics. At the same time, I am like um why? But of course I had to watch; I freaking risked missing the first few minutes of Breaking Bad to see who got fat and ugly this moment. Obviously that same curiosity got the best of Posh Victoria Beckham as she reportedly didn’t want to perform at the ceremony in the first place despite her husband David encouraging it. (Umm the key to a happy marriage is never getting divorced from David Beckham, Posh. Duh get your head in the game.) Reluctantly, she took the stage but made sure to keep her distance from the others – didn’t want to risk catching something, I’m sure. Is irrelevance contagious? Is being poor?
Anyway, it was nice to see the gang all back together. They all looked pretty much the same and seemed pretty much the same – not actually able to sing nor were they enjoying each others’ company but in it for the paycheck – except a little more mature.
Much like my own evolution from 5th grade til now: More refined style. Better hair. No more white eyeliner. Still very awesome.
My Olympic watching has been about as dormant as my blogging, but there is one particular aspect of the games that we must talk about. Ryan Lochte. What a moron. If you haven’t already watched the video above, do it. Some of my favorite clips are when he says 7x4=21 (I mean, math is stupid but not THAT stupid!) and when he tries but fails to recall idioms like “flying under the profile” (radar). When I first saw Ryan Lochte wearing these glasses:
I pretty much knew he was an effing douche. So much so, in fact, that I told people; people who didn’t even know who I was talking about yet because the Olympics were still like months away. He was also on E! News at the time and talking about how he wanted to start designing clothing after the Olympics, so I mean. Terrible. Obviously. Right? Yes. At this point, he had both visually and verbally annoyed me.
Now here we are in the midst of the Olympics, and Lochte has proven himself to be a overgrown frat boy with cringe-inducing style who may or may not be really stupid. Also, he’s good at swimming. You know, sometimes when you’re really good at something, or when you have those cheekbones,
we, as a society, can excuse a certain level of douchebaggery. Like you’re allowed to do terribly embarrassing things because they actually come full circle and seem kind of cool again. But with Ryan Lochte, such is not the case. There is actually some internet debate as to whether or not he’s a douche, and BuzzFeed just posted 17 douchey “goofy pics” from his Facebook profile. We can pretty much start with his profile pic and end with the pic of him (wearing a white belt, vest, and jeans) hanging with Joe Jonas, and conclude he sucks. See?
Ewwwww! Whata loserrrrrrrrr!! He probably wears sunglasses inside.
Also, notice the purple button up with the white undershirt showing.
If you’re still not flipping to see which other events are airing sold, let’s take a look at his signature style. We can start with he’s white followed by he still says “Jeah” …. and I think he thinks he made it up. He also wears these:
Nice chain, too. While most people are checking out his abs or whatever, I am too busy blowing chunks everywhere because of his disgusting footwear. He claims to love shoes and owns like 120+ pairs, which is nice and all if you’re Carrie Bradshaw, except his shoes are heinous, and he wears them at terribly inappropriate times.
While ladies everywhere continue to wish they could hold onto the Ryan Lochte they knew from afar; one who looked like this and just didn’t speak (all right I know most people think he looks like a total asshole in this pic, but I can appreciate a RL spread),
they have to face reality. In all of its Ed Hardy-wearing, sneaker-glittering, American-flag-grilling glory.
“What defines me? Ryan Lochte.” (Yes - nailed it.)
The LA Bucket List
I am back in Los Angeles during a very exciting time. Miley Cyrus is officially a fiancé, Paris Hilton is back to brawling in nightclubs, and Katie Holmes’s contractual obligations to Tom Cruise are finally complete (do they even live on the west coast?)!
With so much drama going down in Hollywood, I can only hope to accidently run into and marry a celeb while hiking Runyon Canyon spot a celeb from afar while working to cross off items from my LA bucket list. I’ve done a lot and seen a lot in LA over the last 18 months (you can read about my escapades here, here, here, here, here, here, and here) – from mapping out my own Cupcake Tour™ to exploring the beaches, staring longingly at the beaches from the inside of a car while searching for parking, and hanging out with Jake Gyllenhaal. But alas, there is more to be done. Sometimes I feel like there is “nothing left to do here” because I’ve completed everything on the No-Shit-Guide-to-Stuff-to-See-in-LA list. In case you’ve never been to the lovely littered streets of Los Angeles, here is some stuff that no shit you obviously have to do.
1. The Beaches
- Santa Monica: shopping at 3rd street promenade, celeb-stalking at Fred Segal, and if you’re up for it, a smelly walk down the pier – it’s as if somebody stretched Ocean City out beyond the Pacific Ocean.
- Malibu: which includes a drive down the PCH. (Everyone says you have to do this. I mean, I guess it’s cool. I was more focused on the terrible effing traffic than I was on the scenery.)
- Manhattan/Hermosa Beach: see the 90210 house, shop at expensive boutiques, and lust over the mansions while repeatedly saying, “If I was a millionaire and owned one of these houses, maybe I could see myself moving to LA. Maybe.”
- Venice: tweakers and hippies for days. When I was there, I saw a mid-day ecstasy rave get busted by the cops. A very mellow bust though. Nobody knew what was going on otherwise I assume they would’ve tried to flee on their unicycles.
- And as for Huntington Beach, F!ck Huntington Beach.
2. The Walk of Fame, the handprints, blah blah. About as exciting as purchasing an “I heart NY” shirt. You’re left with a this is it? feeling as you stare at three misfits in Spiderman costumes fight invisible crime in front of a giant H&M and realize everything is cooler on TV.
3. Rodeo Drive. It’s basically full of tourists, but it’s the heart of Beverly Hills and seems like a mirage compared to the strip malls that line its surrounding neighborhoods. Plus, spending a day channeling Cher Horowitz is good for the soul. It’ll make you feel clean and happy but twice as poor – just stop by Sprinkles and get a cupcake since it’s probably the only thing you can afford.
4. Runyon Canyon (Hollywood sign sighting included). This is where Jake and I first met, so I mean. Enough said. You can also see the Hollywood sign from this hike. There is a hike that takes you directly behind the sign, which I did, and the weather was so beautiful that my picture to document my 5+ mile hike looks like this:
5. Eat an In-N-Out burger. Recommending a restaurant in LA can be difficult because the majority of them only last months before the next trendy eatery takes its place. But this is America and fast food is king, which is why In-N-Out has become a west coast establishment. If you’re a fast food junkie, I’m not sure it’s anything special. But if eating fast food is a rare activity enjoyed once a year, much like Christmas, I’d say In-N-Out is a good way to spend the holiday. (I reviewed it last year here.)
Okay. So, I’ve done all the big things LA has to offer, the list above only a rough outline, and now I need to focus on the details. I’m still finalizing this list, but here it is. The (working) LA Bucket List.
See a movie at Hollywood Forever Cemetery – they did this on 90210 and the cast of Pretty Little Liars totally just instagrammed a pic from last Saturday’s movie, so it’s obviously on my list. It’d be cooler in October and if the movie was creepy, but I will settle for David Bowie’s Labyrinth in early July if I must.
Run down Skid Row – look, I’ve always wanted to see skid row in real life. I’ve seen it in a few documentaries, and it looks terrifying! Lined with bums who literally smoke crack on the street, LA is doing its best to quarantine the crazy into this one street downtown. It’s not working – they’re everywhere. But I can appreciate the effort. With #bathsalts trending in the tweaker community, I’m not sure running full force down skid row is safe. I mean, hello bath salts give you super human strength, and I don’t feel like serving as some nutjob’s open face sandwich. I’m not crossing it off my list just yet though. Don’t get me wrong. I think a nice drive – windows up, doors locked – down skid row will suffice.
Chateau Marmont – a fascination that dates back to when I first saw that picture of MK&A getting wrecked in a bungalow alongside Hollywood royalty. It’s where all the most faboosh people go to do drugs and the actual addicts go to die. A night in a bungalow costs too much and staying in a boring old room would just be depressing, but I have found a way to infiltrate the hotel on the hill! Bar Marmont – duh the hotel bar, why didn’t I think of that? I did, and I think simpletons can enter, so enter I shall.
Hit up the Sprinkles ATM – a cupcake ATM machine? I was going to write out whatever ATM is an acronym for, but I realized that I have no idea and don’t actually care. But hello, this thing shits out cupcakes for a small fee. I am so there.
Shop on Melrose – I don’t know how I haven’t done this already, but upon eating on Melrose, I realized there is a whole world of potential spending out there!
Take a Pilates Class – okay, this wasn’t on my list until it was. I bought a one-month unlimited package for a Pilates place in Studio City (have you seen Miley’s Pilalte-Body?), so I thought I’d add it to my list to pad my stats.
Eat Roscoe’s House of Chicken & Waffles – I don’t even like fried chicken, but this feels like one of those random LA details you should probably just do for the sole reason of telling people you did it. I kind of feel like it’s the type of place where you’d find a hair in your food, in which case I’d have to drop dead, but I guess it’s a chance I am willing to take. Plus, if it’s good enough for Snoop Dogg and Larry King…
Counting Down to Breaking Bad
So, some new photos from Breaking Bad season 5 have been released. Wait, have I even talked about Breaking Bad on here? Okay guys, so I watch Breaking Bad. Yes, I’ve most definitely talked about it because now I remember a certain picture I posted. Anyway, I know it probably doesn’t seem very “me” since the Olsen twins aren’t in it, it’s not on ABC Fam, and I can’t easily slide in a Mean Girls reference whilst talking about big Walt White and the gang. Regardless, season 5 starts in July, and I can hardly wait! Some new and very dark instagram selfies character portraits have been released, and Jesse continues to get better looking with age. Siiighh.
To check out the rest of the photos click here.
Pretty Little Liars
Ever since I saw the promo posters, I knew that I had to watch Pretty Little Liars. First of all, the actresses are like really pretty (so you agree – you think you’re really pretty?), and secondly, it’s on ABC Family. Clearly, it has guilty pleasure written all over it. Well, one thing led to another, and suddenly the show is enjoying its third season while I’m finally catching season 1 on Netflix. Let me just say – it was worth the wait. I am knee-deep in season 2, and I just started watching this shit like a week ago.
The show is very Twin Peaks – like, if the Olsen twins wrote and directed Twin Peaks. It follows four BFFs trying to uncover the mystery surrounding their friend’s murder. They are all in high school, all pathetically plastered to their cell phones (very this generation), and all have secrets of their own. Here’s the rundown on the queen bees of Rosewood:
Alison DiLaurentis – The HBIC. The series opens post-Alison’s murder, so we’re only exposed to her raw bitchiness through flashbacks. Alison ran shit when she was alive acting as the leader of her PLL posse. She basically taught her minions how to lie, cheat, and steal. After her death, the girls separate but are brought back together in ep 1 for Alison’s funeral.
Aria Montgomery – I think she is supposed to be the artsy one. In all of the flashback scenes, we are exposed to her pink highlights and dark eyeliner, so one can assume she used to be a Good Charlotte fan. She also ends up taking a pottery class in season 2. So yeah – art kids. Aria has to deal with a super annoying and shady little brother and her parents who separate and then get back together. Like, who wrote that – obviously a scarred child of divorce? Pretty sure that never happens. Oh and she also hooks up with her teacher Mr. Fitz. And tells all her friends. And they like don’t run screaming and plastering it all over Twitter. Yeah right.
Spencer Hastings – I didn’t like her to begin with, but she quickly grew on me. Spencer is the smart one from the rich and pretentious country club family. She also has great geek chic style. She is supposed to be like strong-willed and was the only one who “challenged” Alison. Her sister is a pain in everyone’s ass, but I can’t tell you why because hello spoilers! But Spencer definitely keeps her sister in check. By stealing her boyfriend. Twice.
Hanna Marrin – Former fatty aka “Hefty Hanna.” She is basically Alison’s creation, and since Alison’s death, Hanna has dropped a few lbs and can finally live out her popularity dreams. She is even crowned HC queen. The ultimate. But of course, she’s actually pretty nice, feels misunderstood, dumps the jock, befriends the dork – all the wrong moves. She clearly still needs her mentor.
Emily Fields – The quiet character with a closet full of skeletons. She’s the athletic one, captain of the swim team, and she’s a lesbian. She had a thing for Alison, so there are some twists and turns surrounding their story. She is definitely the worst dressed of the crew. Sorry.
PLL is not without its terrible characters each of whom you’d love to punch in the face regularly. First, there is A – the show’s faceless antagonist. She (or he?) is nothing more than a pair of black gloves and a billion text messages at this point; this ominous character who sees EVERYTHING and tortures the girls by threatening to expose their secrets. She (I’m going with she for now) is a life ruiner, but her persistent, creepy text messages have made the girls’ bond stronger than ever. And every time their phones go off, which is literally every 7 seconds, they all have to give a look of terror before doing a slo-mo purse reach and reciting the text and “from A” in unison.
There is also Jenna, the blind chick to whom the girls feel fearfully indebted because it was their prank-gone-wrong that left her all in the dark. Even though Blind Jenna can’t see shit, she seems to find the girls everywhere. I am talking in the grocery store, the bathroom, Aria’s pottery class at Hollis College (you’ll get there in season 2). And there is Toby, who the show’s creators are trying to pass off as Hot Toby but who I refer to as Fugly Toby because he’s disgusting. He has a terrible haircut and a face that looks like it has been stepped on by an elephant. What were they thinking?!
PLL is awesome for all kinds of reasons beyond the great fall wardrobes. There is suspense, mystery, humor, and some good ol’ teenage murder. Who wouldn’t want to tune in?
