the emformation center.

Dusty

CREEEEAAAAAAK. Get it? Like the sound I heard when I opened my blog because it’s been so long. I have lots to say  – I mean, I am currently watching a new old show (90210 – the new version, which at this point is technically still old because it started in like 2008), and I fully intend on blogging about it at some point. Until then, let’s talk really quick about the quality state that is Florida. I like to refer to it as Dog the Bounty Hunter’s playground, and now it’s the site for a real life zombie uprising. I definitely think people who like zombies in a trendy (circa 2009) way are lame  – the same caliber of lame as those who think fake mustaches are cool  – but this story is too good. It has nothing to do with zombies and more to do with eating people’s face.

Apparently, this guy (described by old friends as a “beautiful person”) attacked a homeless dude, stripped down butt naked, and then ate the guy’s face. I looked at the pictures, and I am pretty sure he even ate the eyeballs. The cops shot him dead, but only because he wouldn’t stop feasting on command. In fact, he looked at the cop with a mouthful of flesh and growled. Creeeeepy. So, I keep wondering more about the homeless guy – like how did he end up homeless? I could probably continue reading, but it’s more fun to wonder.

cupcake warrior

I’ve been going to Bakerella’s blog (or is it just a website?) for years now and have even been gifted the cake pop cookbook. And while most of the material found on her site and in her book barely looks edible, the fact that it is edible makes it that much more impressive. I had never actually attempted to make cake pops until just recently. Being a cupcake aficionado, I wasn’t sure that I liked cake pops. I mean, first of all, they are tiny. Hello – what do I look like a toddler? Second of all, where is the icing? Pretty sure the icing is the best part of cake (BTW – I know it’s inside the cake pop now; I’m just walking you through my audit of cake pop dilemmas). Third, I didn’t like the idea of a candy-melt shell. I actually don’t like hard candy or chocolate coating on anything – like my ice cream and all that – no thanks.

So, one day I ate a cake pop (at a 4-year-old’s birthday party – see told you they’re for toddlers), and I was like holy hell this is good. Dangit. Then, a few weeks later I had my second cake pop encounter. Still tasty. Okay, so at this point, I am like, cake pops aren’t too bad, and I like a nice challenge, so I will make them one day because I am like good at everything – ya know?

Soon thereafter, the occasion presented itself, and I was going to try to make kidney-shaped cake pops as featured on Bakerella’s website. It’s a fairly long story; so let’s just get to the part where I start hating cake pops.

They are impossible, a mess, the candy coating is impossible to work with, it globs on and is 1,000 inches thick, the shit falls off the stick, the sticks tip over in the Styrofoam, and to top it all off, I am sure Styrofoam causes cancer or something and now I’m basically dying. I documented my mess:

After the kidney-cake-popalypse, I realized that maybe I suck at baking. (The end result was a cake ball that apparently still tasted delicious, but that didn’t remedy my despise.) I have zero patience, which has always been problematic in the kitchen, and I also hate cleaning up messes. To top it all off, all my state of the art icing tools were breaking. I thought about going into baking retirement (see: snowboarding retirement), but a friend assigned me to a great feat: to make some cupcakes for a shower.

I had dreaded icing three different kinds of cupcakes all week and knew it would probably end in me sweating a lot and throwing deformed cupcakes in the sink only to quickly regret that move because I could’ve eaten it despite its ugly exterior. To my surprise, I used the $10 icing tool instead of my stainless steel $50+ tool, and my cupcakes were the best that I’ve made in like forever. I even used candy melts to pipe into Ms and hearts (wedding shower – new last name starts with M) as cupcake toppers. I have redeemed myself!

Coconut Cupcakes:

       

Red Velvet with Cream Cheese Frosting:

       

Chocolate Cupcake with Chocolate Peanut Butter Ganache and Peanut Butter Buttercream Frosting:

       

Girls

So, HBO has a new show Girls, and apparently there was sooo much hype surrounding it, and now there is even more questionable hype about whether or not it lived up to the aforementioned hype. Obviously, all this talk made me not-really-curious, but someone sent me a link to the show, so I watched it when I couldn’t catch any Housewives reruns on Bravo. Pretty much let me just throw this out there that I have no idea who any of the people on this show are. Okay, wait, no that’s a lie. I know the mom cause she was in Freaks and Geeks (great show, great show). But all the Girls girls – like nope. Not ringing any bells. Do people who aren’t me know them? Are they in stuff? Established?

 

Anyway, so the internet is liking, hating, and being unsure about the show, and basically I guess I agree with all of the above.

My main beef with this show right off the bat is that it’s ugly. There is no color anywhere. Like everything was brown and grey and made me want to …just…ugh. Bathe in Crayolas for the rest of my life. I am totally into TV being visually appealing. Life is ugly enough. I don’t need my TV being ugly too. That’s pretty much why I like Friends better than Seinfeld.

The second problem I have with Girls is that – umm is that what they think girls are like? Wait, are girls like that? Am I weird? I don’t want to be friends with those girls. I read this review on The Daily Beast, and it was really the worst. The writer complained that all the girls were white and argued that is not an accurate portrayal of New York City. Like, that was her problem with the show. It’s kind of stupid for several reasons, but you can form your own opinion if you want; you can read her article here.

She also wrote, “ I liked the show’s very real, very funny, depiction of friendships among young women. I’m in my early 40s now, but the show brought me right back to my 20s.” HAHAHAH hahahah. Wait, you know nothing. You are 40, so when you were 20, was the internet even invented?! Like no! Okay fine but barely. You could not text message; you had no Facebook; half the jokes are not even applicable to somebody who is 40! I am not saying that a 40-year-old can’t like this show. My point is that a 40-year-old would think this is a very real depiction of friendships among young women. As in, it is not real, and any 20-something should agree with me.

 

What 20-something shaves their legs while their fat friend slumps over in the bathtub eating a cupcake? For the first time in my life, I saw a cupcake and wanted nothing to do with it. That’s not normal. If you’re not 9 and wearing your swimsuit, girls do not shower together. 

My next problem: everybody on the show wore ugly outfits. Even their fabulous friend from England or wherever looked like she was wearing some crazy ugly floral trash bag jumpsuit. They looked like they found all the ugly, ill-fitting clothes in Urban Outfitters and put them on at once.

 

There were certain parts of the show that I liked. Marnie, for one, was pretty. I know I’ve said everything in the show was ugly, but she was pretty. It was just that the lights were like so dim it was hard to notice.

 

I also thought it was funny – though not LOL funny – when the one chick at dinner said, “I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude. I’m just not really into eating this week.” Good stuff. I don’t know if people actually say that stuff out loud, but it worked in a Regina George “I want to lose three pounds” type of way.

I guess the reason Girls is getting so much attention, and everybody wants to share their opinions, and now I am wondering why I am sharing my opinion, is because of the show’s title. Yeah. That’s it I think. Because like Girls suggests that it’s a show that hits the nail on the head. Or whatever that saying is. That this show is what girls are. So, everybody is all like no, that isn’t what girls are, and that’s not what I am. Yadda. Yadda. I think I will watch this show again, but maybe it needs a new title, like Poor Girls Who Live in NYC and Have Ugly Hair and Clothes. Yeah, I guess that’s a little wordy, but you get my point.

Titanic 3D

This year, I received the best present that I didn’t even take advantage of ever when Titanic 3D was released on my actual birthday. Like my birthday was on a Wednesday, so that was just fate.

 

When Titanic came out the first time I around, I saw it in the theatre 13 and a half times. It sounds sick now because for the cost of seeing one movie, you could feed tons of African babies, but it was absolutely standard at the time. Plus, I was practically in middle school – the point of life was knowing how to sneak into a movie. Okay wait maybe I was in 4^th grade, but I was ahead of my time.

Anyway, so yeah Titanic is a timeless classic especially once you remember that it actually happened, and then it’s like a terrifying timeless classic and a reminder to everyone never to go on a cruise because hello the ocean is like waiting to murder you. The part of the movie about the “unsinkable ship” that actually sank in the worst of ways is far less interesting than the reason we all saw the movie a dozen plus times – the love affair between Jack Dawson and that bitch Rose.

When we first see Rose, in that big purple hat, she doesn’t seem too bad. She is rich, which is awesome, and she is tortured, which is fine because all of the world’s most interesting people work very hard to appear that way. Rose begins to lose some of her rich-girl charm when she tries to get all dramatic and kill herself by jumping off the ship, and Jack has to save her. Really, I mean she has to marry Billy Zane, yes, but he is rich so get over it! Money is what dreams are made of, Rose.

After Jack saves her life, he has an in with the rich folk and gets to feel out of place at all their dinners. Then he and Rose basically canoodle all around the ship; Rose stands on her toes in the basement, which I guess is incredibly impressive according to all the poor peoples’ reactions, but as a 10-year-old, I was totally like am I missing something?

So, Jack and Rose set the bar incredibly low and are madly in love after knowing each other for two days. Normal. Once the ship goes down and survival instinct kicks in, Rose’s true colors show. Just because she acts like a poor person free spirit for those few days and has a spitting contest with Jack doesnt’t mean diddlysquat when it comes to freezing to death. Bitch couldn’t share her raft. And as Leonardo DiCaprio’s freezing body sank to the bottom of the ocean, girls everywhere began to loathe Rose DeWitt Bukater.

 

Now, we have the opportunity to relive the entire experience in 3D. Since I have Titanic on VHS – let me be clear, it came on TWO tapes because the movie was so long it could not fit on one, which is too awesome – I haven’t seen it in quite some time. Except for every Sunday when I watch it on TNT. But other than that, I haven’t seen it in quite some time without commercials.

The Hunger Games

I have managed to carve out some time in the midst of my busy housewives-watching cupcake-gawking schedule to read. A book. (One not required for my job.) Of course, I chose The Hunger Games because hello the movie comes out practically yesterday. Even though I realize I am probably going to breach my only-one-movie-a-year policy (self imposed) because the final installment of Breaking Dawn also comes out this year (wait, I think, right?), I’m willing to do this. I wouldn’t normally cough up the 24 million dollars to watch two movies in one year, but I have a free movie pass, so you know. It’s all about finding that healthy balance. Life advice – you’re welcome.

Anyway, so yeah. I am the slowest reader on planet Earth, but I am slowly but surely working my way through the book. I’m on chapter 19, and it’s only taken me two weeks to get there it’s pretty good so far! I would like to actually read one of these books before I see who has been cast in the movie because right now all I am doing is picturing Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend creepin’ with Jennifer Lawrence. Like I wonder how I’d picture these people if I weren’t envisioning them at the Oscars.

 

Although it’s a young adult trilogy that came out in 2008 in the midst of the Twilight frenzy, Hunger Games seems to have a wider appeal than its sparkly counterpart series. The number one thing it has going for it is that “it isn’t just for 12 year old girls” although I am not sure Twilight is really trapped in those confines either. (Twilight Moms club, right?)

Hunger Games is about a 16-year-old girl named Katniss Everdeen who lives in a post-apocalyptic world in the country of Panem, formerly North America. Panem is made up of 12 districts, which are all run under the absolute power of the Capitol. The 12 districts surrounding the Capitol are poor though each has one asset that its people continue to nurture. Katniss is from District 12 – known for its coal. Pretty much everything is against the rules in these districts, especially hunting, but do you think Katniss cares? No. Duh. 2012’s heroine of the year. Amiright? Her family has got to eat, and since her dad was killed, she has had to take care of her little sister Prim and her mother, which explains why she is such a skilled huntress.

 

So, Katniss and her best guy-friend Gale Hawthorne have to sneak under this electric fence, during the few hours that it is powered off so as not to get cooked, and go to the woods to set up traps to catch poor little rabbits and shoot wild dogs and other gross things with their bows and arrows. They also eat tree bark (umm I know!) and roots, dandelions, birds, squirrels, probably caterpillars. The whole nine. 

 

Once a year, there is an event known as “The Hunger Games” during which one boy and one girl from each district are chosen to battle. There are several stipulations as to the likelihood that your name will be pulled, but basically all of the names of the children 12 to 18-years-old from each district are entered and the “winners” are chosen at random – you know, like out of a hat or whatever. The 24 chosen are known as “tributes” and are transported to the Capitol where they must fight in an outdoor arena to the death. The last tribute standing is crowned the winner. The best part of the Games is that they are televised, so the entire country is able to watch a bunch of kids bludgeon each other to death.

 

Although it is rare, a person can volunteer as tribute, which is exactly what Katniss does when her little sister Prim’s name is pulled from the pile. The story follows Katniss as she prepares and fights in the Games along with Peeta Mellark, the male tribute from District 12. Of course, Peeta and Katniss have an interesting history; one in which Katniss always feels as if she is in Peeta’s debt. And let’s just say it’s no Edward-Bella-Jacob, but I can pretty much sniff out a Peeta-Katniss-Gale love triangle a’brewin. (Remember, I am only on chapter 19 of the first book, so like I don’t know; I sense it building.)

*Update* Between writing and posting this, I finished the book. For the record, I have decided I am Team Gale (Peeta seems like a turd), and the book is worth a read for all late bloomers like myself - if for no other reason than that you get to watch the movie. Modestly violent, fast-paced, and reader-friendly (pretty sure 10-year-olds read this stuff), Hunger Games is totally this generation’s Twilight worth a few slow Sundays.

Pinterest

Initially, I thought Pinterest would just be another social media outlet that made me think people are annoying. And while it still does (people who pin inspirational quotes – who uses the internet for this?), I have also found some use out of it. See, I don’t like how I have over 200 recipe links on my bookmark bar intermixing with links to lesson plans and websites with craft ideas. Ew that sentence just feels disorganized! I know I obviously could just create different folders within my bookmarks bar (non-mac people, I think you call this a “favorites” bar), but whatever. Pinterest is here and eff it; I am diving in.

I don’t understand, though, how people are addicted to it nor how they could spend more than 10 minutes on it, but you know. People are… people. So anyway, I am on it, yet I’m not really sure who I follow, why or how I began following them, or who is following me, but I do know I have one board dedicated to recipes, and that is basically all I need. (Actuallyyyyy, I think I do have other boards; I just don’t know why or how, and I don’t use them.) Pinterest does provide certain benefits; for instance, I can see little pictures of the recipes attached to the links instead of just seeing a zillion links that say “good cupcakes” like on my bookmarks bar. Below are some of my recent masterpieces (…okay, well wait technically some are my mom’s). But if you want the recipes, you’ll just have to follow me on Pinterest. :)

Chocolate Kiss Cookies

Banana Pancakes with Maple Sugar Glaze

Oreo-Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies - all the rage right now in junk food world.

Are you DYING of STARVATION? I know.

Happening Lately

It is getting to be that time in February when all of the days and weeks just mush together into one long, boring blob of cold. But, like, this year it is worse than ever because there is no gotdamn snow, and we all have to go to work five days a week like a bunch of losers. (Those of you who always have to go five days a week – snow or no snow – I guess are bigger losers.) It seems as though even the celebrities are having boring Februaries (does the drop the Y and add IE rule apply to months?) aside from Demi Moore who, in the midst of an identity crisis, thought she was Miley Cyrus and took one too many whip-its to the head. Demi, you are like 50. They make drugs for people like you. Pretty sure it’s called wine and Xanax. Aside from her, most of the real celebs must be laying low and avoiding bad press until after awards season, which leaves paparazzi desperate for someone to snap a shot of. Which MUST be why they took a picture of Kevin McCallister Macaulay Culkin gettin his creep on in NYC.

Mac (can I call you Mac?) had his picture taken with fans, and omg he looks crazy. And hungry. Like Buzz has been eating all the lovely cheese pizza again – for the last 20 years. I know somebody who would appreciate his flesh-colored beard though.

       

Speaking of eating disorders, Lady Gaga realized that the world was talking about the OG LG, Madonna, and felt faint from lack of attention. So instead of like wearing a necklace made from her own shit or something typical, she came out about struggling with bulimia when she was younger. First of all, pretty sure Madonna made that claim first, too. But also, ummm did you see her on Boiling Points?

 

And speaking of Madonna (struggling with the transitions, I know), MIA has been under fire this week for flicking off the cameras at the Super Bowl during the halftime show. OMG so annoying. Why do we give people attention for doing things like this?! Who cares. I either verbally, physically, or mentally flick off a third of the people I encounter every day, so like whatever. Nobody cares. If the worry is that the virgin ears of all the KIDS out there watching the halftime show (?) are now corrupt, I am sure they heard worse things coming from the mouths of whoever was sitting on either side of them that night - especially if they were with Patriots fans. Obviously, MIA has lost all her baby weight and wants to be readmitted into relevant Hollywood. What better way than by ripping a page out of Janet Jackson’s playbook? 

Battle of the Exes: Life 101

All right, so we are a few weeks into The Challenge: Battle of the Exes, and let’s just start off with the obvious: there have been quite a few bullshit calls.

First of all, Sarah and her dumbass partner whatshisface actually won a challenge and were crowned “the power couple”, which only meant that they had to make the tough decision of throwing somebody into the dome with the potential to be sent home. However, the night before the elimination round, Sarah’s partner Vinny (I googled his name) blew it after having a little too much fun and ripping Mandi’s shirt off at the bar. Defending himself, he said that Mandi was barely wearing a shirt, which is a good point, but just because a girl dresses like a slut does not mean that you can treat her like a slut – I mean, hello those are like the rules of feminism (to quote Gretchen Weiners herself).  Anyway, when the gang gathered around the wicker couches to announce who will be facing off in the dome, Vinny took the opportunity to trash talk Wes for about five minutes before throwing him in.

It was a pretty lame attempt, and in the end, the jackass got sent home for being such a pervy little weirdo. What sucks though is that Sarah got sent home too! And she cried and cried and ran off crying. I mean, that sucks for sure and all, but Sarah, your partner was a snackwagon. You didn’t stand a chance against the juggernauts.

The next bullshit call occurred to the gay porn-star who is not actually gay, Dustin, and his deluded partner Heather. For those of you who have forgotten, Dustin and Heather were the Barbie and Ken of Real World: Las Vegas 2(?)  if Barbie and Ken actually lived in Vegas, and Ken liked boinking boys. Apparently something happened between the reunion show and The Challenge because Heather and Dustin were totally like datey-datey again. However, Dustin slipped walking up the stairs from the pool and busted his knee open. He had to get stitches and because he was then unable to compete, the two were sent packing. Lame right?! Even though they were rookies and would’ve probably only lasted another ep or two, I still wanted to see what they could do.

My final two complaints are not bullshit, per se, but they definitely blow. Wes and Mandi lost in the dome (wtf?! booo) to Leroy and Naomi (oh what?! yay!). Okay, so I don’t actually like Mandi and Wes, but I feel like they are the root of so much drama. Wes also has some good one-liners (see: “that’s what friends who are beautiful are supposed to do”). To see them go home so early is just not natural.

The fact that Leroy and Naomi beat them, though, was awesome. For whatever reason, I find myself rooting for Leroy and am happy it was he who sent Wes home. It established Leroy as a winner – until the next episode when he became a loser and was sent home. Leroy and Naomi went into the dome two weeks in a row, and in the “Band it Together” elimination challenge, Ty and Emily beat them by about a mile. Emily is like a creepy protein junky, so you know. It is what it is.

And finally – can we all just acknowledge that I have never felt more like a f!cking genius in my life than I did when watching Wednesday night’s episode? In the “Mental Connection” challenge, the exes were lying on boards above water and asked a series of trivia questions. If they answered wrong, they were flung from the board and into the water, which looked violent and miserably painful.

The questions were SO EASY, and they were SO DUMB, and I felt SO SMART. See, I had an eye-opening week five minutes when I realized I didn’t watch the news, and I probably should have a f!cking clue about what goes on in America, so I was feeling pretty guilty about my apathy towards the world. Then, while watching the episode, I was reminded that I do know everything that is important. I freaking knew Britney Spears’ ex husbands name, and Abram DID NOT. I knew Madonna’s ex who starred in I Am Sam, and Cara Maria DID NOT (um and I haven’t even seen that boring-ass movie). I knew how to spell SIGNIFICANCE, and Jasmine DID NOT. Sometimes it just takes surrounding yourself with a bunch of dumbasses to realize that you do, in fact, know all the important shit. Thanks for that, Battle of the Exes.

dude looks like a lady

If you are wondering if AJ McLean is still suffering from “nobody cares about me/I’m not the cute one… or even a close second…” syndrome, the answer is YES. If you’re wondering who AJ McLean is, well, don’t worry about it. Not really important. (He was the Chris Kirkpatrick of the Backstreet Boys.) The night before his wedding (not to a dude?), he decided to dress up in drag. And do a photo shoot. In an alley? Because? I guess if somebody was actually interested and willing to take his picture – go for it. And that he did.

In other BSB news, Nick Carter’s sister died! She was 25! Do you remember that show House of Carters? About the Carter family? Whose even idea was that?! Gross that show was sooo…. yugh.

Hahah check out Aaron Carter with the finger gun to the head.